ON the eve of the biggest event in British women’s sporting history, it was left to Prince William to give the rallying cry on behalf of his subjects.
“Lionesses, I want to send you a huge good luck for tomorrow,” he intoned to camera, one hand tightly gripping daughter Charlotte, his cunning secret weapon. (A girl! Clutching a football!)
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“We’re sorry we can’t be there in person, but we are so proud of everything you have achieved and the millions you have inspired here and around the world.
“So go out there tomorrow and really enjoy yourselves.”
Translation: “Bravo girlywirlies, kick ball good on big green field, and one day my little girl might become big girl heading big heavy balls like you clever-wevver gallies.”
Can you, for one second, imagine a planet on which the President of the Football Association, and next in line to the throne, addresses Harry Kane, Jack Grealish, Declan Rice and Reece James (Lauren’s brother), instructing them to “enjoy themselves”?
It simply wouldn’t happen.
Even worse, Spanish Football Federation president Luis Rubiales KISSED midfielder Jenni Hermoso ON THE MOUTH, and lifted her off her feet as he congratulated the team.
Again, imagine if this muppet had tried it with male player Sergio Ramos. But, of course, he never would.
And, last week, Fifa boss Gianni Infantino claimed women should “pick the right battles” to “convince us, men, what we have to do” over equality issues in the sport.
Brilliantly, England’s Lucy Bronze picked her battle on Sunday — apearing to refuse to shake the dino-saur’s hand after the game.
Over the past few weeks, this supremely talented, tenacious and generation-shaping squad have covered the beautiful game in glory.
None of the toxic tribalism of the men’s game, less rolling around in faux agony (with the possible exception of Spain on Sunday) and stadiums filled with happy, smiling families and shirt-wearing kids.
The football itself has also been top drawer.
Physically, the women have covered as much ground as the men did in Qatar, and Chloe Kelly’s 69mph penalty against Nigeria was more powerful than any spot kicks of the (men’s) Premier League last season.
So, then, why are women still being patronised? Why is the language around football still so different?
Professional female athletes train as hard as their male counterparts and similarly eat, sleep and breathe the game (minus nightclub misdemeanours, sex scandals and pre-season Ibiza benders).
‘Financial boost’
Why didn’t Prince William attend the World Cup final when, 57 years ago, his grandmother Queen Elizabeth presented captain Bobby Moore with the trophy?
Instead — and with dad-of-two Rishi Sunak also too busy washing his hair to attend — it was left to household name Lucy Frazer, the culture secretary, to represent the UK.
William was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t.
As an ardent environmentalist and founder of Earthshot, private jetting 22,000 miles for a 90-minute match (plus 13) doesn’t exactly scream “net zero”. Plus there were constitutional concerns.
With its burgeoning republican movement, King Charles is yet to visit his Antipodean brethren — being beaten to it by his son would have been a PR disaster.
But think of the financial boost his very presence could have secured for the game. (In contrast, Spain’s Queen Letizia attended, accompanied by her youngest daughter Infanta Sofia, 16).
Fifteen million of us watched the final — the second most-watched event of the TV year, behind the King’s Coronation which, let’s face it, was basically state TV and rammed down our collective throats. The will is there.
We’re not asking for financial parity (yet). Just a bit of equality.
Men: Shut up, and let the football do the talking.
Mary is the clear winner
OF all the own goals at this year’s World Cup, none was more cataclysmic, surely, than Nike’s.
Shooting itself in the synthetic kangaroo leather-booted foot, bosses (presumably largely male) decided not to make a replica Mary Earps shirt.
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Instead of staying mute on the sidelines, the England goalie said the decision was “hugely disappointing and very hurtful”.
Such a raw, emotive declaration is, in itself, pretty brave. But the multibillion pound conglomerate needed calling-out – and she did just that.
(Nike’s “thinking” was that not enough people would want to wear a goalkeeper’s shirt . . . despite, er, producing the one worn by England men’s keeper Jordan Pickford in their thousands).
On Sunday, Mary was a Goliath between the posts.
Not only did she win the tournament’s Golden Glove, she won a veritable army of new fans. Surely a six-figure endorsement deal with Adidas beckons.
As corporate PR disasters go, it doesn’t get much worse.
Mary 1, Nike 0.
SILLY A**ES
QUEEN’S Fat Bottomed Girls is a banger.
But the track – feat. the lyrics “left alone with big fat Fanny/ she was such a naughty nanny” and “fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go round” – has been dropped from the group’s new greatest hits collection over fears it may offend the under 25s.
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Now, as someone with not an inconsiderably-sized bottom – my ex once played it on Alexa, saying “This one’s for you, Clemmie” – this is RIDICULOUS.
The song, gloriously of its time, is an ode to the fuller figured-lady – we should be celebrating it, not burying it.
BEST wishes to Chris Evans who yesterday revealed he has been diagnosed with skin cancer.
He tested for the disease after his “angel” of a masseur found “a mark” on his calf, adding, thankfully, it had been “caught as early as possible”.
Crucially, he encouraged listeners of his Virgin Radio show to “get yourself checked”. Three little words – but ones that could save a myriad of lives.
Celebrities get a lot of stick: For being too rich, too entitled, too out of touch, too famous.
But by using his platform – raising mass awareness to everyday health problems – Chris demonstrates exactly how fame can be a force for good.
FORCE EVIL TO COURT
MONSTERS, it turns out, really do take many, many forms.
Blonde-haired, blue-eyed nurse Lucy Letby managed to hide her evil behind scrubs and an HR complaint.
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When alarms were raised about her behaviour, SHE issued a grievance to Human Resources.
And consultants, the diligent, concerned whistle- blowers, were forced to apologise to this evil, evil, evil baby-murdering demon.
Yes, the monster – the most prolific child murder in recent British history – may spend the rest of her life rotting in jail, but arguably she escaped the ultimate punishment of all: Facing up to the victims of her crimes.
Yesterday the families’ harrowingly emotive statements were read out to an empty dock. On all levels, that’s wrong.
We need measures in place to ensure murderers, rapists and psychopaths are made to see, first hand, the devastating effects of their crimes.
To never unsee the pain they’ve caused, the lives destroyed.
Quite simply, courts must be given the power to force defendants to attend sentencing.
CALLED OUT ON PHONE
THE late, great Queen reportedly expressed her regret about the rise of smartphones, meaning she was greeted by a “sea of mobiles” during walkabouts.
She was right to be saddened.
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Increasingly we are living behind pixelated screens.
Concerts, sporting fixtures and even simple everyday family occasions are being filmed. (The other day, during lunch with my parents, I artfully took a photo of my . . . fillet steak – WHY? I can safely say this picture will never see the light of day and never, ever, will I excitedly hunt it out on my camera roll.)
Our screen obsession is quite literally putting a blockade on real human connection and, ironically, makes us less able to make real, lasting memories.
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LARD is in. According to The Sunday Times Style magazine, a sartorial publication that knows about these sorts of things, “butter” is the colour we should all be wearing this autumn.
You’re welcome: You read it here first.
*Unless you read The Sunday Times Style magazine.
ON Saturday I returned from me ’olidays in Greece.
Refreshingly, a lady pilot ferried us home – prompting my dad to ask, “And did she manage to park the thing OK?”.
Very droll, dad.
Except new research shows men are more likely to damage their cars when parking than women.
More than one in five male drivers – 21 per cent – admitted to being involved in a minor collision when parking in the past year, compared to 14 per cent of females.
Satisfying.